FanPost

Why Do Knees Hate Portland Fans? An Interview.

Us young Blazer fans have heard the stories since we were born.  The older among us can actually remember every damn incident against that horrible rival.  No, I’m not talking about the Lakers.  I’m not talking about the Jazz.  I’m definitely not talking about the Sonics.  It’s knees everywhere, and even more specifically - our knees.

It’s the knee of Sam Bowie that turned Portland into a punchline in the NBA’s cruelest joke.  The knee of Sabas hobbled our favorite geriatric big man.  Then there’s the recent knee issues.  The knee of Brandon Roy sidelining him for a brief period, a constant jabbing in the side of the collective fan base compared to the knee of Greg Oden, which was like a screwdriver in the calf for Portland.

The true mark of knee hatred isn’t getting hurt at inopportune times, though.  It’s the fact that they recover, too.  I was tempted to put the knee of Darius Miles on that previous list, and would have done it a week ago.  The knee of Darius Miles grounded one of the better high flyers in the league, and made him a drag on our cap and our roster (and apparently he was carrying some sort of contagion, as I distinctly remember articles and board posts about his potentially “infecting” young players, as if each of his headband slaps would release spores that make players go to strip clubs and hide guns in pillows).  Now his knee is taking the revenge that no knee has ever taken.  It got better.  It lied to the doctor to get off the roster, and then groveled in front of Danny Ainge to spite the Blazers.  Take a second to think of what a knee groveling would look like, if you please.  Now it’s signed, and we’re worried.  Damn knees.

Robert - So, why do you hate me so much?

Robert’s knee - It’s not anything personal, honestly.

R - How can this not be personal, I depend on you, I work with you, we’ve lived together since the 80s!  Reagan was in office!

RK - You think I don’t know that?  It’s difficult stabbing your benefactor in the back.  The reason is purely geographic.

R - Geographic, how?  Like geography?  Do you and other knees get together and try to map the rivers of Mongolia?

RK - *annoyed* No.  We dislike Portland.  It’s the moisture!  It makes us creaky.

R - Creaky?  That’s not much of a reason, you know.  Portland is regarded as one of the most healthy cities in the world.

RK - Okay, okay, okay.  That’s not the real reason. *motions me closer*

R - What is it?

RK - We just don’t like you!  Is it wrong to have a vast international conspiracy that stretches back decades in order to screw over one small market franchise?

R - Umm…

RK - That’s rhetorical.

R - Well, at least having unending, unprovoked anger from one of your most important joints is still better than being a Laker fan.

RK - You said it, brother.  Excuse me, I gotta go.  *ACL explodes*

R - Why?