Dear all current and future Portland Trail Blazers,

Listen, I know you’re busy people and likely do not make a habit of reading fan mail. I’m pleased you’re making an exception for me because this really is a matter of high import. As you are no doubt well aware, the Seattle Supersonics (a long-time rival of your team, but you knew that) have more or less left the Pacific Northwest for the dusty climes of Oklahoma. I know, I know, believe me—it felt as stupid to write it as it does to read it.

Now as a life-long fan of the team you currently or will eventually play for, I have to admit I was shocked by how upset I was at this move. You would think I would revel in any misfortune encountered by the Sonics. And, yes, it is true that I have used the Dikembe moment to taunt Sonic fan friends repeatedly; but really this isn’t about the past, it’s about the future. We’re going to forgive and forget, here. Well—we’re going to forgive me and forget the stupid things I’ve done, at least.

You see, I have a favor to ask of you all, one I hope you are willing to grant me. It’s simple really: I want you to hate the new Oklahoma City team as much as I do. I want this hatred to manifest itself in your play against the team. I want you to empty your tanks in a concentrated effort to destroy their morale. I know the platitudes about giving 110% every night, but let’s be realistic: some nights you try a little harder. Like, say, home games against Los Angeles. I know, alright, it’s not something we’re supposed to talk about; this, though, is important enough that we can’t afford to hide from the truth on account of social niceties.

And listen, it doesn’t always have to be about more effort, either. Sometimes it’s as simple as making an elementary yes or no decision: should I or should I not humiliate the other team? As long as you’re playing against OKC, the answer is always a resounding, “I should.” Why settle for a layup when you could dunk on Jeff Green? Sure, blocking a shot to your teammate would give you possession of the ball; but how about blocking a shot into the fifth row? That would really make the fans stop and think, “ouch, that humiliating rejection reminds me of the despicable way our ownership fleeced a devoted fanbase of its team. Maybe I won’t buy season tickets next year.”

I appreciate the time you took considering my humble suggestion. Hopefully you guys will be throwing ‘oops all over the Okie state for years to come. In closing, let me remind you that a great man once said, “remember they can buy anything—but they can’t buy backbone.”

Amen, brothers.

Yours,

Nightbluefruit

P.S. Better make that block land in the sixth row. Just to be safe.