This is an email conversation between a native Portlander and a native Seattlite regarding the experience of being a fan in both cities. I posted it because I thought it was interesting and somewhat humorous. I censored the graphic portions and edited out my friend’s name. I chose to call him “Pim” because it’s the name of a character from an excellent Samuel Beckett novel and also because I thought it was funny in this context (I was going to call myself “Pom” but decided against it for clarity’s sake). Anyway this is long and convoluted but hopefully someone will be touched by it and, like, be motivated to perform their own personal Tuesdays With Morrie. Or something.

Pim, 

Just found statistical evidence to prove a former thesis: Over the past two years no team in the NFL has compiled fewer personal foul penalties than the Seattle Seahawks. A credit to Holmgren as a disciplinarian? Or a team of enormous [pansies]? I think we know which it is.

-NBF

NBF, 

I hate to admit it, it pains me, but I don't disagree with you. Lately I've found myself really resenting Seattle. I was born there, I have friends and family there, I enjoy being in the city, but somehow I have these illogical ill feelings toward the people and the city in general.

Last time I was in Seattle I bought the new Steve Malkmus album from a record store on capital hill. The guy at the counter said something snide, something about never living up to Pavement, like that is a fair criticism of anybody or anything. Even though I have no serious pride in Portland as a city—especially our music scene, which I could give two [craps] about—I was pissed off and felt the need to say something mean about Seattle. I could have made a Kurt Cobain blowing his brains out joke, but I settled for something about how much Band of Horses was pushing the envelope. When I really consider it, I don't care what anyone says about Portland, but when Seattle tries to act superior, I can't help but lash out against the general failures of the city.

Maybe I'm bitter about the poor city planning (traffic, monorails, the [freaking] EMP) but deep down I suppose it has something to do with sports. In my entire life, I've never had a team I was invested in win any top honors (my high school's basketball team won the state championship, but I hated my high school so I felt very little pride or joy).  Never a World Series, a Superbowl, an NBA title, or an NCAA championship. All I know is loss. I blame Seattle for this, but instead of taking it out on the teams I can't help but root for, I just take it out on the citizens: I bag on their music, their coffee, their breweries, etc… Collateral damage, I guess.

I can't argue with your hypothesis. Seattle's franchises—probably from the top down—are a bunch of [pansies]. Now and then they demonstrate some testicles—Griffey scores from first, Alexander rushes for 1,800 yards, Kemp fathers 18 illegitimate children in a single season—but did I ever think we'd take the Superbowl from the Steelers? Was I shocked when our foray into the postseason didn't lead to a pennant? Did I really think Kemp would pass Screamin' Jay Hawkins? Yeah, you're right—[pansies]. But for better or worse, no matter how much I bitch and project, they're my [pansies]. 

-Pim

Pim, 

I actually envy you your geographical alliances. Seriously, growing up in Portland was good for crushing Trailblazer defeat after crushing Duck defeat. While it did turn me on to basketball (which I seriously consider the single greatest spectator sport in the world) it made me grasp at straws as far as teams to follow. The Detroit Tigers because my dad worked there. The 49ers because Joe Montana was the quarterback and all my Catholic cousins went to Notre Dame. The Colts because my grandpa mentioned them on his deathbed (!). The Ducks because three of my uncles are alums (I have one Beaver uncle). The Florida Gators because my mom found a baseball hat with their defunct logo on it for three dollars. You can see how desperate it can get.

Throughout all of this, though, Seattle was represented by my classmates as the logical choice for my surrogate fandom. You know, just substitute the Seahawks and Mariners for the sports Portland didn't have and still root with all your heart against the Sonics. This made zero sense to the grade school me but in a way I kind of fell for it. At least half of it. The Mariners were likeable losers and occasional [screw-up] successes. I followed them haphazardly and got really excited when they put together decent seasons. 

That said, I [freaking] hate the Seahawks with all of my heart. My friends were all Seahawks fans, but I just didn't get it. Dave Krieg? Steve Largent? When the most talented and recognizable player in your team's history is a white receiver you know you are the buffet tapioca pudding of the NFL. And I fancied myself a white receiver for [gosh] sakes! And don't get me started about Curt Warner. Without even mentioning his legacy of owning small car dealerships in the Seattle burbs he loses points for sharing a name with the evangelical hero of the "Greatest Show on Turf." The only player who can get away with "giving" a championship to God is David Robinson. Look, I can't explain it, it just feels right to me.

Anyway, I don't have any pity for you with the "no championship" thing because championships are totally foreign to my experience. I just can't imagine one in the NW. I don’t envy your geological alliances because of the potential for ultimate success, I envy you your geographical alliances because they have offered you some of the most entertaining teams in recent history—which to me in my "no championship" universe is the apex of sports fandom. Seriously, those Glove, Reign Man, and Shrempf Sonics teams were some of the most exhilarating I've ever seen, and that's coming from the perspective of someone who absolutely hated them. Comparing their star power to the imminently unlikable Clyde Drexler still makes me jealous. When the 2001 Mariners hit their stride they were unstoppable, one of the most memorable baseball teams ever—even though I knew the whole time they'd never pull it off in the playoffs. These are the kinds of things that a Portland fan wishes for. Mull that over for a minute.

The only thing I really feel bad for you about is the Seahawks. I really cannot think of a less exciting sports franchise in any sport. In between the legacy of halfway decent balding white quarterbacks, the give-up attitude of the team's star, and the long term employment of [alleged] date rapist Jerramy Stevens—seriously, rooting for this team is like kicking yourself in the nuts every Sunday.

This is all so disjointed. I'll just end by saying being a sports fan in the Northwest is reconciling yourself to the prospect of giving up all chances of ultimate fulfillment and settling for the thrill of transcendent one-game performances. Like the Blazers perfect quarter. Or the Mariners (near-perfect) season

Just do yourself a favor and go YouTube "Shawn Kemp mixtape." Seriously, you'll thank me afterwards.

-NBF