This is all subject to frequent updates, but I'm going to write it based on current intel.

INCMNG:

Jerryd Bayless: From all indications you are the PG we needed, minus the fundamental pass-first style that defines a PG. Whatever, as long as you can lob 'oops to Oden I don't give a ----.

Nicholas Batum: "What? He's not white?" --that was my reaction when I first watched YouTube video of you this spring. Supposedly Hollinger thinks you're a bust. I'm sick of his smarmy baldness. Let's prove him wrong by having you learn to throw 'oops to Oden. Deal?

Omer Asik: Dear Fenerbahce Ulker, we promise not to take your big white stiff center until he's good and ready to throw 'oops to Oden. Love, Portland. UPDATE: Turns out we're never going to be taking your white stiff center, Fenerbahce! We got 3 FUTURE BULLS SECOND ROUND PICKS! Woot!

Clippers 2009 2nd Round Draft Pick: Have fun in 2008 playing for your college team/in the D-league/enjoying your time overseas. Don't forget to practice throwing 'oops so you'll be good and ready when you get here/get traded for other assets!

UPDATE: Ike Diogu. Man, two of you jumped me because I allegedly forgot to mention Asik got traded (which I did not, note the update) but nobody even noticed I COMPLETELY FORGOT about Ike Diogu. I would apologize to you, Ike, but something tells me you're kind of used to it.

OTGNG:

Jarrett Jack: I doubt you had the basic skills to lead this team to the next level. Still, I'm sorry you ended up in Indianapolis. Furthermore, in all the time you spent here your moustache never fully filled in. That joke was my ace in the hole. I miss it already.

Bob "McBob" McRoberts: I always had to be reminded you were still here, as in, someone would be all, "Is McBob in street clothes?" and I'd be like, "who?" and they'd be like, "Josh McRoberts. Our 13th man." Then I'd remember. Anyways, happy trails.

Brandon Rush: Your time in a Trailblazers hat was cherished. It will always look better than any Pacers hat. F'realz. And I think you know it, too. Sad.

Darrell Arthur: Watching you sweat in the green room was a treat, as was the constant speculation about what could be wrong with your kidneys. Well, now you and your problem kidneys are off to Houston. Allegedly. Just in case, I suggest you request a seat by the bathroom for the flight.

Joey Dorsey: Wait, you're gone, right? Or is it that Turkish guy? No, I'm pretty sure it's you. So, you know, good luck. Wherever it is you're going. (Sidenote: your choice to call out Oden in the NCAA's keeps biting you in the rear).

Mike Taylor: WHOA! Your draft-day picture looks like a mugshot. Next time you get kicked off your college team and end up in the D-league, smile for the camera, dude. You're not coming off real charismatic.

Paul Allen's Money: I bid you a fond adieu, for yet again you have been transubstantiated (through KP's sorcery) into valuable assets. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!