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BREAKING NEWS: WWE to purchase NBA

 

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NEW YORK CITY (AP):  In a move which has stunned the world of professional sports in the United States, World Wrestling Entertainment (NYSE:WWE) has entered into an agreement in principle to purchase the National Basketball Association, and all thirty of its constituent teams.  The basketball league, which will be renamed the WBE (World Basketball Entertainment) starting with the 2008-09 season, is in the process of concluding its 2007-2008 season.  The merger was announced at a joint press conference hosted by WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, and NBA commissioner David Stern. 

 

"OK, we admit it.  The NBA was rigged all along.  Rather than continue to pretend otherwise, we have decided to give the fans what they want", Stern announced during the press conference.  Stern noted that the league has long been driven by star players such as Kobe Bryant and ex-NBA star Michael Jordan.  He also claimed that when fundamentally sound teams do well in the playoffs, television ratings suffer.  While Stern agreed with concern that pure basketball fans would be put off by the merger, he noted that market studies indicated they were a small part of the NBA's fan base.

"We learned our lesson from the XFL disaster--the NFL kicked our (expletive)", remarked McMahon.  "Rather than try to launch an XBA, we decided the wisest course of action would simply be to purchase the NBA.  When the Donaghy scandal first broke last year, we thought we had an opening.  So I sat down with David, and he said no.  So I brought (WWE Raw champion) Triple H to the meetings, he kicked David's (expletive), and soon we had ourselves a deal."

Neither the NBA nor WWE would comment on what changes, if any, would be made to the format of basketball competition under the combined league.  According to anonymous sources within the WWE, options being considered include elimination of personal fouls, awarding twenty-five points for field goals made from halfcourt, enclosing of the court in a chain-link metal cage, introduction of a new on-court position reportedly to be called Designated Enforcer, and reductions in the amount of fabric work by team dancers.    Stern emphatically denied rumors that the league would be contracted to only a half dozen teams, noting that somebody has to lose to the Lakers in the early rounds of the playoffs every year.

Many were surprised by the timing of the announcement, coming prior to Game 4 of the 2008 NBA Finals; a rematch between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics, two of the most storied franchises of the pro basketball league.  It was announced that the Finals would continue until its conclusion under the old format.  A press release circulated by the two organizations announced that Stern would remain in charge of the basketball league, though his title would be changed from Commissioner to The Man.   Former NBA star Rick Mahorn would be named as Director of Competition. 

Stern and McMahon both indicated a desire to have the deal completed by the start of the 2008-09 season.  The deal is pending approval by both the NBA Board of Governors and by the Board of Directors of Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment; though both bodies are expected to readily endorse the deal.  The merger also must be approved by antitrust regulators in the United States Department of Justice; DOJ officials contacted for this story had no comment.

Opinion among NBA players who were available for interviews varied.  Phoenix Suns' point guard Steve Nash was adamantly opposed to the deal, and vowed to sit out the remainder of his contract were the merger to take place.  Detroit Pistons' forward Rasheed Wallace, on the other hand, was more circumspect.  "If I gotta wear me a cape and all that (expletive), it don't matter none as long as they C. T. C."

Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed.   If and when the merger completes, the combined WWE/NBA would be the largest professional sporting organization in the United States, eclipsing the NFL in both size and revenues.

12 recs  |  Comment 28 comments

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Classic!

Trail Blazers are really cool

by Outlaw is Rejector on Jun 12, 2008 3:01 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

If I click it enough times, can I recommend this three times?

ptwnblzr: #25
Outlaw is Rejector: amen
annthefan: Hallelujah
prezofdeath: Preach it!
Outlaw is Rejector: THE CHOIR SINGS IT

by prezofdeath on Jun 13, 2008 1:26 AM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

SEE!!!

I told everyone, and they didn’t believe me!!!!!

I'm a really really ridiculously good looking orange mocha frappaccino drinking manhammer sandwich

by hobobob on Jun 12, 2008 3:16 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Well

That would sure cut down on flopping if they eliminated personal fouls.

+1

by royroty on Jun 12, 2008 3:19 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Ladies and Gentleman Paul Pierce

aka the ‘Boston Brawler’ is back from what looked like a career ending injury, and what’s that? It looks like he’s bringing a chair with him onto the court??

Jaws were hitting the floor as Greg repeatedly attempted to tear the rim off the backboard...

by TheOdenator on Jun 12, 2008 3:26 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

"And he just smashed that chair over Kobe Bryant's head!"

“Bryant didn’t see it coming! He’s out cold! The crowd at here in Boston is just going wild!”

“What’s that? Odom pulls a piece out of his waistband is is coming after Pierce!”

“Whoa! Garnett reaches back and just coldcocks Lamar Odom! Where are the referees, I ask—where are the referees?”

“There’s one down on the floor, kicking Bryant as he lies unconsious on the ground.”

“The audience is getting their money’s worth—but what’s this? Lamar picks himself off of the ground, and shoots Kevin Garnett! I think he may be dead, Marv.”

Imagine the possiblities.

by EngineerScotty on Jun 12, 2008 4:01 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

Are you kidding? Players would get points for a great flop!

They’d have to add a Floppers Hall of Fame wing in Springfield.

I read once that early NBA games did in fact have a wire cage around the court.

"I don't trust lawyers." --David Stern

by MiledAnimal on Jun 12, 2008 3:47 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

'Tis why basketball players

are sometimes called “cagers”.

by EngineerScotty on Jun 12, 2008 3:47 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

HeHe So funny

That which prematurely arrives at perfection soon perishes. - Marcus Fabius Quintilian (35-95AD) Roman Rhetorician, Critic

by BlazerFan1 on Jun 12, 2008 3:41 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

This would be awesome.

Games held in a steel cage, coal miners glove games, Greg Oden could load his orthopedic shoe (aka The Grappler) when the ref’s back is turned, Before each game, a player could grab the microphone and talk trash, each player has their own fireworks and into music, if Detroit loses, Rip has to take off his mask, revenge, etc. This would be cool!

My favorite teams are the Blazers and any team that is playing the Lakers.

by OCBlazerFan1 on Jun 12, 2008 3:44 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Oh Boy

You’d have an inordinate amount of white guys dunking from the top rope.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

by silkybrown on Jun 12, 2008 4:17 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Please let this happen

I would love to see kobe get tombstoned by the undertaker. Or maybe get mr. sock’oed

by Sabonis4Ever on Jun 12, 2008 6:36 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Arguably the best fanpost ever

My question is will they allow both Dave and Earl Hepner to officiate at the same time…. my guess is yes but only if Sandy Barr (RIP) is the 3rd official

If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?

by bow4meow on Jun 12, 2008 7:20 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

I was reading this and thinking wow

I’m really glad they’ve gone the whole nine yards here…then I read people’s responses and I’m starting to suspect this is merely a joke. It’s so hard to tell anymore in the world what is sarcastic satire and what is pitiless reality.

He's Coming! Oden Slayer of Giants

by Idog1976 on Jun 12, 2008 7:22 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Obviously...

some of the sly satire is hard to pick up on as well. Well played. I think.

"You don’t visit the coast, then ask where you could get some average seafood." -tominhawaii

by -ken on Jun 13, 2008 2:13 AM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

pitiless reality

I still feel cold inside.

"you have long words
they make long writing" ratbastird

Celtics over the L*kers, lesser of the 2 evils. But not by much.

by ptwnblzr on Jun 13, 2008 11:39 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

We'd probably retire Travis Outlaw's jersey

Even though he played for the Nets.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

by silkybrown on Jun 12, 2008 9:48 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

HILARIOUS

that is the funniest comment I have ever seen on the funniest post I have ever read.

Next season: Shaquille (The Sheriff) O’Neal!

by premthegrem on Jun 12, 2008 10:56 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

Naturally, I recommended this comment.

"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar

by annthefan on Jun 13, 2008 1:18 AM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

hahahaha

Jaws were hitting the floor as Greg repeatedly attempted to tear the rim off the backboard...

by TheOdenator on Jun 13, 2008 9:46 AM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

you threw in a CTC reminder as well

brilliant work, utterly brilliant…. I hope in the new league bofe teams play hard

If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?

by bow4meow on Jun 12, 2008 10:21 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

Defending Rasheed

dont even think think there’s ever been love-lost between me and sheed, but to all the people who think the game is called fairly, how do they explain the inordinate amount of technicals imposed on Sheed when he was a PTB? Before you say it, I realize sheed deserved most of his T’s. But I also saw Sheed frequently tagged for mean-mugging. I saw him sent for the underhanded fist pump, and I saw him a marked man all too often given a T because the ref’s had the whistle in their mouths just waiting for an excuse to hit him. Yes sheed has anger management issues (to say the least) and his antics are tantamount to a 7 year olds temper tantrums.

Sheed gets traded to Detroit and his T’s suddenly go down drastically. The ref’s are not T’ing him up at every opportunity. He is given more leeway. I can only conclude sheed found Jesus and changed his ways because how could we think the ref’s arbitrarily altered the way they call his game?

If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?

by bow4meow on Jun 13, 2008 2:07 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

i'd say that

he earned himself a reputation in the West. Refs felt that he would get more ridiculous and agressive if they didn’t head him off at the pass.

Jaws were hitting the floor as Greg repeatedly attempted to tear the rim off the backboard...

by TheOdenator on Jun 13, 2008 2:17 PM PDT up reply actions   0 recs

call a spade a spade ref

sounds like you are agreeing that sheeds game has been called two different ways depending on the conference he plays in … thats fair as the calls are based on reputation and not necelery objective

If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?

by bow4meow on Jun 13, 2008 3:30 PM PDT reply actions   0 recs

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