BREAKING NEWS: WWE to purchase NBA
NEW YORK CITY (AP): In a move which has stunned the world of professional sports in the United States, World Wrestling Entertainment (NYSE:WWE) has entered into an agreement in principle to purchase the National Basketball Association, and all thirty of its constituent teams. The basketball league, which will be renamed the WBE (World Basketball Entertainment) starting with the 2008-09 season, is in the process of concluding its 2007-2008 season. The merger was announced at a joint press conference hosted by WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, and NBA commissioner David Stern.
"OK, we admit it. The NBA was rigged all along. Rather than continue to pretend otherwise, we have decided to give the fans what they want", Stern announced during the press conference. Stern noted that the league has long been driven by star players such as Kobe Bryant and ex-NBA star Michael Jordan. He also claimed that when fundamentally sound teams do well in the playoffs, television ratings suffer. While Stern agreed with concern that pure basketball fans would be put off by the merger, he noted that market studies indicated they were a small part of the NBA's fan base.
"We learned our lesson from the XFL disaster--the NFL kicked our (expletive)", remarked McMahon. "Rather than try to launch an XBA, we decided the wisest course of action would simply be to purchase the NBA. When the Donaghy scandal first broke last year, we thought we had an opening. So I sat down with David, and he said no. So I brought (WWE Raw champion) Triple H to the meetings, he kicked David's (expletive), and soon we had ourselves a deal."
Neither the NBA nor WWE would comment on what changes, if any, would be made to the format of basketball competition under the combined league. According to anonymous sources within the WWE, options being considered include elimination of personal fouls, awarding twenty-five points for field goals made from halfcourt, enclosing of the court in a chain-link metal cage, introduction of a new on-court position reportedly to be called Designated Enforcer, and reductions in the amount of fabric work by team dancers. Stern emphatically denied rumors that the league would be contracted to only a half dozen teams, noting that somebody has to lose to the Lakers in the early rounds of the playoffs every year.
Many were surprised by the timing of the announcement, coming prior to Game 4 of the 2008 NBA Finals; a rematch between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics, two of the most storied franchises of the pro basketball league. It was announced that the Finals would continue until its conclusion under the old format. A press release circulated by the two organizations announced that Stern would remain in charge of the basketball league, though his title would be changed from Commissioner to The Man. Former NBA star Rick Mahorn would be named as Director of Competition.
Stern and McMahon both indicated a desire to have the deal completed by the start of the 2008-09 season. The deal is pending approval by both the NBA Board of Governors and by the Board of Directors of Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment; though both bodies are expected to readily endorse the deal. The merger also must be approved by antitrust regulators in the United States Department of Justice; DOJ officials contacted for this story had no comment.
Opinion among NBA players who were available for interviews varied. Phoenix Suns' point guard Steve Nash was adamantly opposed to the deal, and vowed to sit out the remainder of his contract were the merger to take place. Detroit Pistons' forward Rasheed Wallace, on the other hand, was more circumspect. "If I gotta wear me a cape and all that (expletive), it don't matter none as long as they C. T. C."
Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed. If and when the merger completes, the combined WWE/NBA would be the largest professional sporting organization in the United States, eclipsing the NFL in both size and revenues.
12 recs |
28 comments
Comments
Classic!
Trail Blazers are really cool
by Outlaw is Rejector on Jun 12, 2008 3:01 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
If I click it enough times, can I recommend this three times?
ptwnblzr: #25
Outlaw is Rejector: amen
annthefan: Hallelujah
prezofdeath: Preach it!
Outlaw is Rejector: THE CHOIR SINGS IT
by prezofdeath on Jun 13, 2008 1:26 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
SEE!!!
I told everyone, and they didn’t believe me!!!!!
I'm a really really ridiculously good looking orange mocha frappaccino drinking manhammer sandwich
by hobobob on Jun 12, 2008 3:16 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Well
That would sure cut down on flopping if they eliminated personal fouls.
+1
by royroty on Jun 12, 2008 3:19 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Ladies and Gentleman Paul Pierce
aka the ‘Boston Brawler’ is back from what looked like a career ending injury, and what’s that? It looks like he’s bringing a chair with him onto the court??
Jaws were hitting the floor as Greg repeatedly attempted to tear the rim off the backboard...
by TheOdenator on Jun 12, 2008 3:26 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
"And he just smashed that chair over Kobe Bryant's head!"
“Bryant didn’t see it coming! He’s out cold! The crowd at here in Boston is just going wild!”
“What’s that? Odom pulls a piece out of his waistband is is coming after Pierce!”
“Whoa! Garnett reaches back and just coldcocks Lamar Odom! Where are the referees, I ask—where are the referees?”
“There’s one down on the floor, kicking Bryant as he lies unconsious on the ground.”
“The audience is getting their money’s worth—but what’s this? Lamar picks himself off of the ground, and shoots Kevin Garnett! I think he may be dead, Marv.”
Imagine the possiblities.
by EngineerScotty on Jun 12, 2008 4:01 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Are you kidding? Players would get points for a great flop!
They’d have to add a Floppers Hall of Fame wing in Springfield.
I read once that early NBA games did in fact have a wire cage around the court.
"I don't trust lawyers." --David Stern
by MiledAnimal on Jun 12, 2008 3:47 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
'Tis why basketball players
are sometimes called “cagers”.
by EngineerScotty on Jun 12, 2008 3:47 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
HeHe So funny
That which prematurely arrives at perfection soon perishes. - Marcus Fabius Quintilian (35-95AD) Roman Rhetorician, Critic
by BlazerFan1 on Jun 12, 2008 3:41 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
This would be awesome.
Games held in a steel cage, coal miners glove games, Greg Oden could load his orthopedic shoe (aka The Grappler) when the ref’s back is turned, Before each game, a player could grab the microphone and talk trash, each player has their own fireworks and into music, if Detroit loses, Rip has to take off his mask, revenge, etc. This would be cool!
My favorite teams are the Blazers and any team that is playing the Lakers.
by OCBlazerFan1 on Jun 12, 2008 3:44 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
WBE Coach of the year, 2009:
Bobby Knight.
Book it.
by EngineerScotty on Jun 12, 2008 3:48 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh Boy
You’d have an inordinate amount of white guys dunking from the top rope.
Can I buy you a fish sandwich?
by silkybrown on Jun 12, 2008 4:17 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Please let this happen
I would love to see kobe get tombstoned by the undertaker. Or maybe get mr. sock’oed
by Sabonis4Ever on Jun 12, 2008 6:36 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Arguably the best fanpost ever
My question is will they allow both Dave and Earl Hepner to officiate at the same time…. my guess is yes but only if Sandy Barr (RIP) is the 3rd official
If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?
by bow4meow on Jun 12, 2008 7:20 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I was reading this and thinking wow
I’m really glad they’ve gone the whole nine yards here…then I read people’s responses and I’m starting to suspect this is merely a joke. It’s so hard to tell anymore in the world what is sarcastic satire and what is pitiless reality.
He's Coming! Oden Slayer of Giants
by Idog1976 on Jun 12, 2008 7:22 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Obviously...
some of the sly satire is hard to pick up on as well. Well played. I think.
"You don’t visit the coast, then ask where you could get some average seafood." -tominhawaii
by -ken on Jun 13, 2008 2:13 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
pitiless reality
I still feel cold inside.
"you have long words
they make long writing" ratbastird
Celtics over the L*kers, lesser of the 2 evils. But not by much.
by ptwnblzr on Jun 13, 2008 11:39 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
George Bu$h will throw out the first ball.
Nature bats last.
by fisheyes on Jun 12, 2008 9:10 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
The best part
would be storylines like this:
NBA Finals 2011. Blazers vs. Nets.
The Blazers are making their first finals appearence. The big move of the 2008 offseason involved a trade whose main components were Travis Outlaw and Devin Harris. In the 2010 offseason, the Nets, who managed to free up tons of money, have signed LeBron James before they move into their new digs in Brooklyn. Those moves are finally paying off.
It’s game 6. The Nets lead the series 3-2 after winning all 3 home games on the strong play of LeBron and monumental contributions of Travis Outlaw. Rose Garden, 4th quarter, Nets lead 94-93 with 45seconds after LeBron hit a tough layup in traffic. Blazers call timeout. After the time out, Martel inbounds the ball to Brandon Roy. Greg Oden sets a pick on LeBron to free Roy and as Roy moves into the lane Outlaw strips him of the ball with 35 seconds left. The Nets run up the court as Outlaw holds the ball. They slowly realize that Outlaw is not running with them. They turn to find Outlaw standing in the backcourt holding the ball, laughing along with the rest of the Blazers. He puts the ball on the floor and removes his Nets jersey to reveal his old number 25 Blazer jersey underneath!!! LeBron has a look of sheer horror on his face and begins to cry. The clock is nearly run out now but with 7 seconds left, Outlaw, still staring down the Nets and laughing, tosses a no-look pass over his head which is grabbed by Oden and powered through for the game winning dunk.
With the newley returned Outlaw, the Blazers come back to win game 7 in a rout and take home the first of many championships….....
until, several years later as they are trying for their 10th ring, and LeBron, never able to fully recover from the events of 2011 has retired, the Blazers are battling the up and coming Charlotte Bobcats. Then, right before tip off, the lights go dim. Jay-Z comes over the PA and that’s when we all realize that, Good God!! That’s LeBron’s music!......the panic sets in….....
by DrivetheLane on Jun 12, 2008 9:32 PM PDT reply actions 6 recs
We'd probably retire Travis Outlaw's jersey
Even though he played for the Nets.
Can I buy you a fish sandwich?
by silkybrown on Jun 12, 2008 9:48 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
HILARIOUS
that is the funniest comment I have ever seen on the funniest post I have ever read.
Next season: Shaquille (The Sheriff) O’Neal!
by premthegrem on Jun 12, 2008 10:56 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Naturally, I recommended this comment.
"Besides, AnntheFan will be here any minute to #25 you." T Darkstar
by annthefan on Jun 13, 2008 1:18 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
hahahaha
Jaws were hitting the floor as Greg repeatedly attempted to tear the rim off the backboard...
by TheOdenator on Jun 13, 2008 9:46 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
you threw in a CTC reminder as well
brilliant work, utterly brilliant…. I hope in the new league bofe teams play hard
If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?
by bow4meow on Jun 12, 2008 10:21 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Defending Rasheed
dont even think think there’s ever been love-lost between me and sheed, but to all the people who think the game is called fairly, how do they explain the inordinate amount of technicals imposed on Sheed when he was a PTB? Before you say it, I realize sheed deserved most of his T’s. But I also saw Sheed frequently tagged for mean-mugging. I saw him sent for the underhanded fist pump, and I saw him a marked man all too often given a T because the ref’s had the whistle in their mouths just waiting for an excuse to hit him. Yes sheed has anger management issues (to say the least) and his antics are tantamount to a 7 year olds temper tantrums.
Sheed gets traded to Detroit and his T’s suddenly go down drastically. The ref’s are not T’ing him up at every opportunity. He is given more leeway. I can only conclude sheed found Jesus and changed his ways because how could we think the ref’s arbitrarily altered the way they call his game?
If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?
by bow4meow on Jun 13, 2008 2:07 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
i'd say that
he earned himself a reputation in the West. Refs felt that he would get more ridiculous and agressive if they didn’t head him off at the pass.
Jaws were hitting the floor as Greg repeatedly attempted to tear the rim off the backboard...
by TheOdenator on Jun 13, 2008 2:17 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
call a spade a spade ref
sounds like you are agreeing that sheeds game has been called two different ways depending on the conference he plays in … thats fair as the calls are based on reputation and not necelery objective
If you dont talk to your cats about catnip, who will?
by bow4meow on Jun 13, 2008 3:30 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
David "The Man" Stern
lol a classic
Woof
by Charles Barkley McLovin on Jun 14, 2008 6:33 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

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