Potential Rooks Arbitrarily Insulted (Plus Predictions!)

The internet is full of wisdom and pornography. You have to be careful when conducting research on it to differentiate between the two, otherwise your book report will be totally ruined and you’ll probably endure another awkward parent/teacher conference.

Aware of the perils, I used my skills of discernment to track down online mock drafts and evaluate the choices the internet was making for us. As we know by now, sports bloggers and writers are never wrong and always predict how the lottery and draft will go so it’s in our best interest to pay them the respect they are due.

To start my data-mining I decided to play the ESPN.com lottery generator, which is equipped to first simulate the lottery-ball papal conclave that goes on behind an emerald curtain preceding the draft. Once results have been routed through the server of the underworld, Chad Ford uses his brilliance to assign each team its most likely draft choice. I played with this generator for at least thirty embarrassing minutes before the thing broke (apparently the server of the underworld was not prepared for this kind of volume). In any case, I was unable to produce the result I wanted (Portland winning the lottery…again) and was forced to stare time and again at “13. Portland Trailblazers: Chase Budinger, Arizona.”

This is, I will admit, the name most frequently mentioned in association with our team in the upcoming draft. Let me be the three-hundredth to say I am not a fan. Putting my faith in KP and speciously assuming our evaluative processes always comes to the same result (he painstakingly studying film and consulting countless professional scouts, me drinking beer and falling asleep while watching college basketball on TV) I feel confident claiming we won’t draft Budinger.

PREDICTION SHOULD HE JOIN THE BLAZERS IN ‘09: Earns a spot in Coach Nate’s rotation…of rebounders during shoot-arounds. Constantly battles McRoberts for leg room on the bench. Starts a blog and posts twice before forgetting about it.

My next course of action (Google-searching “NBA mock draft”) lead to a second name linked frequently to our town and team. Donte Greene, a 6’10” SF from Syracuse with a 28% shooting touch from downtown who jacks 7.3 threes a game. Brilliant. I’m going to admit that the one review I read on him at Draftexpress (http://www.draftexpress.com/profile/Donte-Greene-1066/) was mostly laudatory, but listed under “weaknesses” were “Left hand, defensive intensity, consistent effort.” Sorry everybody, but that sounds like me on a pickup court. 

PREDICTION SHOULD HE JOIN THE BLAZERS IN ’09: Is unimpressed after seeing Sofia Coppola’s latest film at the Fox Tower, declines to rent “Marie Antoinette.” Gets traded for veteran help in December. Milwaukee Bucks All-Star ’11 – ’15.

Finally, after suffering through a trifurcated set of UCLA “alums” (Love, Collison, Westbrook) I came across my favorte prediction to date. Nicolas Batum, a 6’8”, 210 lb. wing player from France who, according to his stats in Euroleague play and all accounts, may be the most inconsistent performer of all time. Hmm…6’8” French player…inconsistent…streaky scorer…flashes of athleticism…

PREDICTION SHOULD HE JOIN THE BLAZERS IN ’09: Admits he’s Boris Diaw.