BE,

I finally got a chance to read the comments to my last diary.  Yes, the one where I seemingly wet my pants because my favorite player didn't stay up into the wee hours to "play Nintendo" with me (nicely done, Mortimer).

First of all, thanks for the comments, especially the ones that weren't overly harsh or judgmental.

I really debated opening up about that evening in a public forum, but I'm glad now that I did.  All of the more positive rationalizations that I had for Martell's behavior were echoed by some of you and that definitely makes me feel better and more forgiving of the whole affair.

Second, I'd like to clarify that I never booed the team (though I did express frustration with our lack of rebounding...), and that I resent any implications that I'm a "bandwaggoner".

I'm not a GOOF or a WSOFer.  I've been a die-hard Blazermaniac for almost 20 years, save the Jailblazer era, where I spent my years outside of Oregon unaware of the wonders of Blazersedge and the power of the internet in sports fandom in general.  Even though I couldn't stand the things I was hearing at the time ("They're just the fans" by Bonzi comes to mind), I still rooted for the team and watched them whenever they were televised nationally.  I hope that settles that.

Neither have I stopped pulling for the team.  No matter how hard I tried after Martell unintentionally broke my heart (does anyone have a tissue?), I still find myself wrestling with the Blazermaniac within and even yelped every time LMA dunked the ball or when Chaz said that Roy was the best player on the floor in the Rook-Soph game.

What can I say?  Old habits die hard, no pun intended.

Though I will admit, my enthusiasm has been tempered and, sadly, I wonder if I'll continue to be THAT GUY who gets his entire section buzzing with the energy of Rock and Roll Part II after a clutch play or BEFORE a big defensive stop.

I enter Blazer games tired and I leave EXHAUSTED.  I take my job as a 6th man very seriously and I utilize the gifts that God gave me to lead and inspire people to raise the roof in favor of the team I love.  I consider Blazer games to be a physical and psychological challenge and I usually break a serious sweat when I attend one.  I'm one of the nut jobs that actually believes we can influence play on the court with the very belief, thought, and force of will of the crowd.  When that energy manifests itself as boundless fervor, it eclipses even the loudest sound effect that Paul Allen's NASA surround sound system could dream of blaring.

Are you starting to get the picture of why I would feel so offended that a player would treat me as less than equal?  I understand now that it seems silly, but that's where I'm coming from.  I forgive Martell, if he actually did anything wrong in the first place.  By the way, I left out the context of the encounter, which made my reaction seem far more ridiculous than it was.  I was lucky enough to be selected for a formal "Meet & Greet", where we were encouraged to ask Martell questions and engage in a conversation for up to 5 minutes.  Trust me, I would have never expected him to reciprocate otherwise.  I would have been ecstatic with the opportunity to shake his hand, get an autograph, and go on my merry way.  Just as I did with Buck & Clyde back in the day.  But the organization hyped the encounter and my expectations, so they are probably more to blame for my disappointment than anything Martell did.

But the biggest factor was that the night we lost the Denver game, I was in the beginning stages of withdrawal from a very serious addiction to a substance that will go unnamed, which made me particularly sensitive and probably caused a major over-reaction to the event.

Like the late great John Lennon said, "Cold Turkey...has got me...on the run".

I'm still suffering from withdrawal, but at least I've got my family and my health to look forward to, and the great people here in BlazersEdge, and the chance to watch my favorite player blossom into the All-Star I know he'll be someday.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.

And if you're ever thinking about doing drugs, I can't advise you what to do with your life or your body.  All I can tell you is that if you go down that road, eventually you will feel the incredible pain that I'm going through right now, and know that it's just not worth it.