Shavlik Randolph: A Life

Enough Is Enough

I have to say that, while I am all for a person's right to speak their mind and share their feelings, I really don't appreciate the negativity and verbal abuse every one of you has been hurling at 'The Shav'. He's not a bust. He is NOT Nate's 'pet' player - though the two do have, obviously, a healthy respect for each other as contemporaries and equals.. don't hate. And don't even get me started on this whole so-called 'fragility' issue - dude's a survivor. He's battled injury-plagued college seasons, a major leg surgery, mono and "an accident during practice that teammates described as gruesome, comparing it to former NFL quarterback Joe Theisman's career-ending injury" [Wikipedia]. Good lord.

Look, don't get me wrong - there's definitely room for improvement. Right now, he's coming off a year where he averaged a not-great 0.9pts a game. We all know that could go up, but it could certainly be worse with the lack of shots to go around on this stacked team. You've got to think that cushy 3 minutes per game he was working with in Philadelphia will have to fall back to Earth in a big way, too. And yes, he only had 11 rebounds and 3 blocks on the season, not exactly the numbers you look for from your stud PF, but you could always look at it the other way: what if I told you there's a player on our team who, last year, averaged more offensive rebounds per game than points and had as many blocks as assists? Obviously, that's a versatile, high-ceilinged player - these are facts.

And, yes, there are those out there who are like "ooh.. Steven Hill's scored more points and grabbed more rebounds this year than Shavlik - why didn't we get him?" Ignore these people. I know it was a difficult call, with our getting the first pick of basically the two top recruits in the nation, but here's a couple facts about Steven Hill:

1. He plays for the Thunder. The Thunder SUCKS - of course he's going to get run and free license to chuck it up whenever he wants.
2. He's a center. Where would we find the minutes for him in this system with two project centers already in front of him?
C. Sure, people will say that Hill's scored his two points for the season in only two minutes of one game, but I say this: yes, he's a freaking point-a-minute phenom, but he's simply been on fire of late and his unreal shooting percentage (FG% 1.000 on the season) has got to slow down soon. Plus, he's from Arkansas(?) and has a beard.

So, all things considered, the choice becomes abundantly clear - you take the player who's the best all-around and the best fit for the team, not some media creation that serves only as a me-first distraction. Furthermore, talk like this only hurts Shav's feelings and everyone loves it when he is all jokey and your best bud but nobody can stand him when he's sad and distant, so please, just shut up about it already.

Bullet Points

• Averages over 60 slam-dunks a season.
• Broke Pistol Pete's single-game scoring record.
• Little-known fact: The Dream Shake was actually named after him.
• Can dribble with one hand.
• Adores children and animals and volunteers at a nursing home.
• Has never EVER been dunked on.
• Have you seen that part of The Shining where the elevator opens up and all the blood comes pouring out? He can do that.
• The Kobayashi of basketball.
• During the Great Quake of '98, kept both the Burnside AND the Hawthorne bridges from collapsing.. by himself.
• Doesn't return my phone calls.
• Frequents OMSI.
• Owns Kazaam on DVD and VHS.
• That whole 'you now have a restraining order' thing.

So, hopefully this paints a pretty clear and definitive picture of Shavlik Randolph and we can all put our petty remarks aside. I think we can all agree that we're here because we're Blazers fans and want to see them do well. Let's get them, us and especially Shav out from under the microscope so we can focus on the important things. Things like who needs to be fired and Coincast Sucks and how much better the Blazers would be if sociophobic nerds ran the team. Some preach patience, others punctual prosperity, but in the end we're all just looking for a good time, some good conversation and a good phone number for a certain someone (any leads?). Be safe, play hard, and god bless.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

-Shavlik Randolph