Junk Drawer 10/13/08 PG-13 Franks and Beans Edition

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 7:59 AM PDT

Aloha friends,

I mentioned in the last junk drawer, and cannot think of a better place to share this story. I am going to mention my dangling bits more than once, so if you do not like seed factories, then maybe you should just skip down to the comments. I will ramble a little bit at first, so that you will not get hit in the face with my bollocks, as you skip to the comments.

Sunday, my company threw a softball tournament. It started at 8:30 AM and if our team lost the first two games, we could have finished by 11:30 AM. Instead, we won the first game by 13 runs and the second game by 9 runs. I work the night shift and I half-heartedly wanted to lose the first two games, just so I could go home and go to bed. Worst case scenario occurred, and I had to play in four games, only to lose the championship game.

I took a lesson learned from the Blazers preseason and did not train that hard in the off season. I only attended one practice last Friday. I did the splits then, so I bought some cheap cleats to prevent the splits from happening again. I did not realize that cleats are slippery on wet concrete and fell hard on my hip while walking to the park. It was a not so nice start to the day, and somewhat of harbinger of my day to follow.

By the middle of the second game, I felt like my inner thighs were on fire and I accumulated more aches and pains as our team progressed. Much like the NBA playoffs, just about everyone on the team was either hurting or injured in the finals.

The tournament ended around 4:00 PM and I walked straight to Long’s Drugs and bought some Bengay for my muscle aches. My feet hurt, my shoulders hurt, and everywhere in between hurt. The area giving me the most pain was my inner thighs. I could hardly lift my legs to take some stairs, and almost fell twice from dragging my feet.

I got home, took two Advil, showered, then put on a pair of boxers and grabbed the Bengay. I know from an old Rob Lowe movie that Bengay will sting in the naughty region, so I gingerly applied it to each of my inner thighs. I was not careful enough and almost instantly experienced a burning sensation.

When I applied the Bengay, I went a little high on my left thigh pit, and it started to burn. I thought I could tough it out, and after about five minutes of agony, I ran to the bathroom to put a cold towel on the affected area. I failed to consider on my trip to the bathroom that my boys would be free to roam around in my boxers. They took the liberty to visit both my thighs. By the time I was back in the living room, my crotch went from a one alarm fire to a three alarm fire.

My marbles and my left thigh pit were burning like a bed in a Midnight Oil song. The only thing that helped was to soak a towel in cold water and sit on the couch practicing Lamaze breathing. It took about 15 minutes until the burning subsided. All in all, it was a well rounded day filled with pain.

Alas, that was not the end of my misery. I wrapped up the agony by rubbing more Bengay on my shoulder then rubbed my eye. Bengay burns there too.

Your pal,

Tom

4 recs | Comment 84 comments

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Comments

Classic!

I don’t think I could top that, even if I tried.

(Nor would I want to.)

Here is a curative hint. Circulating air helps with the heat trransfer process. Get your wife to blow on the affected areas – the key word being “on”. Other wise she’s at risk of picking up the nickname hotlips.)

hakkaa päälle !

by timg56 on Oct 13, 2008 8:32 AM PDT 0 recs

Poor Tom

Sounds brutal.

When asked about his thoughts during the Olympic games about playing against Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard, Rudy responded "My first thought was respect. My second thought was to kick their ass".

Man I love him.

by twiggs on Oct 13, 2008 8:52 AM PDT 0 recs

The movie Lucas

also had a Bengay type ointment scene. Only they locked poor Corey Haim outside the gym in only a towel and he had to sit under a water fountain and all the cheerleaders saw him. But later, he gets redeemed by receiving both a letterman jacket and the best slowclap in movie history.

by DrivetheLane on Oct 13, 2008 8:56 AM PDT 0 recs

Poor Tom. Your boys have been having a hard time lately.

You should take better care of them or they won’t last.

"Aneurysm".

When Outlaw wins a game on a last-second shot, it’s called an "annthefaneurysm". QualityPie

by annthefan on Oct 13, 2008 9:06 AM PDT 0 recs

Live fast die young

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 9:17 AM PDT up 0 recs

...leave Ben-Gay stained underwear

by DonkeyShins on Oct 13, 2008 9:24 AM PDT up 0 recs

oh you filthy little runt

I must admit, watching the Dow tank 500 points on Monday felt something like fun. All those dazed and confused investment bankers walking out of the Lehman Brothers offices with plants in their hands, scared about their future, not knowing how they're going to make rent on their $2,700 studio apartments--it was pretty freakin' sweet. These are the people who are happy to live in the Matrix and go along with the plan.

by bilingual octopus on Oct 13, 2008 1:41 PM PDT up 0 recs

I just call 'em like I see 'em

Or, to be more accurate, as I read ‘em. And I’m not a runt…OK, compared to Greg or Joel, I’m a tiny little man, but compared to the average American, I’m on the tall side. :-)

by DonkeyShins on Oct 13, 2008 5:00 PM PDT up 0 recs

As long as

You didn’t get the beans above the frank (see ‘Something About Mary’ for the reference.

That sucks…I once got myself ‘there’ with Tiger Balm which is just about as bad.

by DonkeyShins on Oct 13, 2008 9:24 AM PDT 0 recs

HA! Bout time!

"People? You man Sheeple."

by Mike-Fu on Oct 13, 2008 9:29 AM PDT 0 recs

http://www.blazersedge.com/2008/10/13/633977/dingoes-ate-my-baby

Dingoes ate my baby? Where did that come from? Thats in my address bar for this page, but there’s no mention of dingoes anywhere…

"People? You man Sheeple."

by Mike-Fu on Oct 13, 2008 9:32 AM PDT 0 recs

That would be tom's first title

The URL is based on the first title you give to a post. If you rename it, the URL stays the same (so dead links don’t happen).

by royroty on Oct 13, 2008 1:57 PM PDT up 0 recs

I've felt you pain tom

I hate how washing the “affect” area doesn’t work, it only makes it hurt more… Btw, if you were to wrap your theigh in plastic wrap it helps the bengay from spreding and keeps it close to the skin for improved relief. Or so I’ve heard.

"Hightide was the only "Yes" vote" - parkinglotj

Joel Freeland=Stud

by hightide on Oct 13, 2008 9:39 AM PDT 0 recs

I can see it now.

A post by Tom relating what happened to him after he got the bright idea to wrap himself completely in plastic wrap.

hakkaa päälle !

by timg56 on Oct 13, 2008 12:35 PM PDT up 0 recs

haha

Good thing Tom has a wife to supervise him, otherwise I’d be very worried.

"Hightide was the only "Yes" vote" - parkinglotj

Joel Freeland=Stud

by hightide on Oct 13, 2008 12:46 PM PDT up 0 recs

Somewhere, Barry Bonds is laughing at you.

Link!

"Personally, I'd rather give an elephant a prostate exam on Chili Day." --Dave on rooting for the Lakers or Celtics

by MiledAnimal on Oct 13, 2008 9:46 AM PDT 0 recs

Babies ate my dingo!!!

"I figured out how to get the canoe down the mountain, but I will need a snow blower and all your butter"-Michael Kelso

by 92wastheyear on Oct 13, 2008 10:38 AM PDT 0 recs

Wow tom, great use of your writing skills

A lyrcial poet such as yourself should refrain from writing such painful descriptions of an avoidable calamity. The scene was painted to vividly and now I have to endure thse visions in head for the rest of the day. Not that I can say I haven’t had said event happen in my own nether regions. But still, it’s like farting audibly around someone, it’s best to get REALLY comfortable with them first. So obviously, we’re like family to Tom now.

Other Things: I sell carpet and yet am having a dousy of a time getting my installer to get out to my house. Anyone else notice that when they try to get some type of advantage when buying inside their own industry or company only to get the same run around as regular customer?

How about that outdoor NBA game? Charles kept talking ‘bout Dem Portland Trailblazers’. They are not a contender yet he said, then then again, since when did Sir Charles know what he was talking about?

# 10 Top Charles Barkley Quote: On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."

by BlazermaniacAndy on Oct 13, 2008 11:17 AM PDT 0 recs

What did Sir Chazz say?

I wanted to watch the game but couldn’t; it looked by the score I didn’t miss much.

What did Sir Charles say? Just more “and here come dem Port-land Trailblazers” or “that rumbling you hear from the norf-west is the Port-land Trailblazers”? Any details worth noting?

Everyone is excited to see how we do, and want us to be good. They just don’t wanna go out on a limb and say we’re gonna be great already. I don’t blame ’em, we are awfully young still.

Mr. Timer

by Mortimer on Oct 13, 2008 11:37 AM PDT up 0 recs

I wanted to watch the game too but I also didn't want to watch it

I was interested in it, but only the highlights. I just don’t like exhibition games. I think the game should have been in Rucker Park.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 12:27 PM PDT up 0 recs

It was awesome, Reggie Miller was talking about the Portland Trailblazer's

And then Chalres said something to the effect of “now don’t go on talking bout dem portland trailblazers”, because apparently he doesn’t think we will be a ‘contender’ this year. Then just a few minutes later, Charles said something about being SO excited to watch the Wester Conference this year, and he was dissing on the east hard, then he mentions how he wanted to see Greg matched up again Shaq,

THEN REGGIE had the line of the night and he said " I thought we weren’t supposed to Talk Bout Dem Portland Trailblazer’s!?" And Charles re-states, “what I MEANT was”, they’re gonna be good, but I just don’t think they are contender’s YET".

I just listening to him talk, he used to rub me the wrong way but he grew on me. Now I just think he’s hilarious, talk about NO filter! That man just says what he thinks before he has a chance, to think.

# 10 Top Charles Barkley Quote: On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."

by BlazermaniacAndy on Oct 13, 2008 1:46 PM PDT up 0 recs

Maybe that's TiH's secret identity!

We should find out if Sir Charles uses Ben Gay…

by DonkeyShins on Oct 13, 2008 5:02 PM PDT up 0 recs

Charles raved about the Blazers all last year

He is in our camp.

by Sabonis4Ever on Oct 13, 2008 6:42 PM PDT up 0 recs

andy

thanks for shouting out BE on canzano’s show last week.

i caught that, well done.

honor terry porter

by Ben. on Oct 13, 2008 11:43 AM PDT up 0 recs

Ben, hey thanks a bunch I just love what you guys do on here so much I had to give the props

and besides what good is a call into the baldie if we can’t get a little of our own agenda on the table too huh? Did you see an increase in hits on this site? No doubt our member total tripled. One thing, did you think it would be a good idea to show an away game AT the Rose Garden?

Also, has your opinion on your favorite spanish coco changed at all since you have seen him in pre-season?

P.S. When I get internet (what is this thing called the internet anyways?) at my house this week I can’t wait to come on here, after work hours!!!!

P.P.S. Great job again Ben and Dave, you guys make this the best Blazer’s site of all!

# 10 Top Charles Barkley Quote: On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."

by BlazermaniacAndy on Oct 13, 2008 1:49 PM PDT up 0 recs

i’d go to away games at the rose garden. sure, why not? i like the message that sends and i love watching games with a crowd. im not sure how many people would go. ticket prices keep a lot of people out of the building. so any step towards fixing that (like the fan fest or john’s idea), is great in my eyes.

i thought that was a creative solution from john and a good way to redirect some of the passion about comcast and the blazers.

as for sergio, he’s looking better than ever. if anything he’s about where i thought he would be. bayless is severely underperforming my expectations. that might say more about my expectations than it does about his performance though.

like i wrote yesterday, even if sergio wins that backup PG spot (which he is tracking towards) that might not mean many minutes, even with martell out. and we are in deep if blake gets injured again.

honor terry porter

by Ben. on Oct 13, 2008 3:27 PM PDT up 0 recs

I have Comcast, but I would too

the Spanish contributors on this board are hellah cool

by G_dubs on Oct 13, 2008 11:08 PM PDT up 0 recs

Yeah

I’ve noticed that too. I think they know you really won’t go anywhere else and they won’t lose your business so you’re easy to blow off or put off for a “real” customer.

Once, I spilled red paint all over myself and then used paint thinner on my armpit, it was as painful as Bengay in the private parts.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 12:30 PM PDT up 0 recs

I spilled about two gallons of acid on my lap once.

We used the acid to clean metal parts. It works on private parts, too. Now I lobby for transsexual rights.

"Personally, I'd rather give an elephant a prostate exam on Chili Day." --Dave on rooting for the Lakers or Celtics

by MiledAnimal on Oct 13, 2008 1:19 PM PDT up 0 recs

That is very commendable of you.

Brovo.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 1:59 PM PDT up 0 recs

This post is missing something

The word testicles.

by Sabonis4Ever on Oct 13, 2008 12:29 PM PDT 0 recs

Link

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 1:04 PM PDT up 0 recs

Never before have I been so afraid to click a link

by KobeStoppa on Oct 13, 2008 4:47 PM PDT up 0 recs

When tempted with Tom's links, Nancy says:

"Personally, I'd rather give an elephant a prostate exam on Chili Day." --Dave on rooting for the Lakers or Celtics

by MiledAnimal on Oct 13, 2008 5:11 PM PDT up 0 recs

Besides being willing to tell people embarrassing stories about myself

I think the greatest burden in my life, is almost always being correct.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 1:06 PM PDT 0 recs

Happy Columbus Day!!

by tingeyga on Oct 13, 2008 1:06 PM PDT 0 recs

He was a great TV detective.

Word.

by joelor on Oct 13, 2008 1:33 PM PDT up 0 recs

he made it so we don't get mail, and yet I still have to work

thanks for nothing columbus

# 10 Top Charles Barkley Quote: On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."

by BlazermaniacAndy on Oct 13, 2008 1:52 PM PDT up 0 recs

Could be worse

I have a box sitting in my freezer right now because I couldn’t mail it today…the contents, a stool sample from my 2 1/2 year old son.

I’m turning into frickin’ Howard Hughes here because of stinkin’ Christopher Columbus.

by DonkeyShins on Oct 13, 2008 5:28 PM PDT up 0 recs

hoo boy

another TIH junk drawer, replete with all the usual TIH perversities. I gotta say it does wonders for the soul to know that we are hurtling through space with such — shall we say? — colorful — company.

by bilingual octopus on Oct 13, 2008 1:39 PM PDT 0 recs

I stick with the stuff that worked in grade school

It’s comic gold. I entertained my wife’s 76 year old grandmother with a fart machine for hours.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 2:01 PM PDT up 0 recs

With the owners approval

We instaled a fart machine speaker under the bar at a local brew pub and only myself and the staff had acess to the remote,lot of fun while it lasted.

by southern oregon on Oct 13, 2008 2:57 PM PDT up 0 recs

Had to post this here too

Why does this guy always look SO bad?

When asked about his thoughts during the Olympic games about playing against Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard, Rudy responded "My first thought was respect. My second thought was to kick their ass".

Man I love him.

by twiggs on Oct 13, 2008 1:43 PM PDT 0 recs

That's funny

That’s worth a fanpost

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 2:00 PM PDT up 0 recs

We should have a fanpost

With a collection of moronic Randolph photos.

When asked about his thoughts during the Olympic games about playing against Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard, Rudy responded "My first thought was respect. My second thought was to kick their ass".

Man I love him.

by twiggs on Oct 13, 2008 2:08 PM PDT up 0 recs

Christ who's this guys Chiropractor?

by LetsBlaze on Oct 13, 2008 2:26 PM PDT up 0 recs

Which guy? They all look constipated.

"Personally, I'd rather give an elephant a prostate exam on Chili Day." --Dave on rooting for the Lakers or Celtics

by MiledAnimal on Oct 13, 2008 2:34 PM PDT up 0 recs

Randolph specifically

At least he’s playing hard I guess. But sheesh, he always looks like such an idiot.

When asked about his thoughts during the Olympic games about playing against Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard, Rudy responded "My first thought was respect. My second thought was to kick their ass".

Man I love him.

by twiggs on Oct 13, 2008 2:36 PM PDT up 0 recs

He looks like he's getting his neck broke

Something left over from the Duke days? Don’t think he an Boozer overlapped that much…

by LetsBlaze on Oct 13, 2008 2:42 PM PDT up 0 recs

he looks like

he’s going to get the 15th roster spot. He might look stupid, but he’s been playing pretty well.

by DrivetheLane on Oct 13, 2008 2:44 PM PDT up 0 recs

I'm so glad SergioFTW is back

He’s one of my favorite posters and I think he’s getting a sidekick. Back in the day, I would have wrote a fanpost about creating a nickname for the duo.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 2:03 PM PDT 0 recs

Im glad It looks like Serigo is back

Do you follow the local High shool football,if so who looks good this year? Lahinaluna[the oldest school west of the Rockies] is usually to busy cranking out pro surfers to have much of a team.

by southern oregon on Oct 13, 2008 2:25 PM PDT up 0 recs

I'm less than a fair weather fan

I know the Kahuku Red Raiders are always good. The private schools have a lot of good guys too. Punahou has a guy that the coach of USC came to watch after the loss to OSU.

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 2:27 PM PDT up 0 recs

first palamalu and then this guy, who's next, TiH?

# 10 Top Charles Barkley Quote: On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."

by BlazermaniacAndy on Oct 13, 2008 2:44 PM PDT up 0 recs

Manti Te‘o

Blazers Edge has an alarmist vision and a poet's heart.

by tominhawaii on Oct 13, 2008 3:00 PM PDT up 0 recs

That kid is already a beast

Where is he headed USC?
btw didn’t barack obama go to Kahuku

"It was like some sort of crazy torture in the movies. How do people do that so long without taking a breath? I think my ears are still ringing."
-Adrian Peterson, describing Autzen

by dougall5505 on Oct 13, 2008 5:29 PM PDT up 0 recs