Celebrity Rebuttals

Well, the response from the celebrity community to yesterday's tirade by the head of Engelbert Humperdinck has been both swift and overwhelming.  The Lakers may have Jack Nicholson and the Spurs Eva Longoria, but you'd be amazed at the following the Blazers have among the glitterati.  A sample of the responses:

Grandpa Simpson

The importance of coaching goes way back to the beginning of basketball when the hoop was an onion basket and the ball was flat and rectangular, three-dimensional circles not having been invented yet.  Back then they called coaches "penny tutors" because you could get three of them for a cent, except for a brief period during the war when there was a penny shortage...then they were known as Cabbage Men.  Anyway, you guys got a good coach, real old-school.  The whole town knows how good he is, otherwise he wouldn't have been picked to go to that there tournament in Japan, which used to be known as China.  He'll learn your players right.  And management seems committed to giving him the kind of players he wants: big and defensive-minded.  That goes against the grain set up by that new-fangled Phoenix team, and that's good.  Consarn it, there's no way you can go wrong as long as you stick with him!  Can I have my pills now please?

Baby Stewie

OK...listen and you'll learn something.  Everybody says your team is young.  Well what's wrong with that?  Plenty of other teams will win 45 games and be called "better" even though that's their peak.  Do you want to settle for that kind of mediocrity?  Of course not.  You're not building for one year, you're building for a championship.  And don't look now, but you may already have some key pieces in place to do it. So what if they're young?  It is the destiny of the young to take over the world!  Oh dear, what's that wrinkled old man doing with my bottle?  You give that back, you vagabond!  No!  Get that out of your...oh never mind.  Just burn it.  Who's next?

Hi ho!  Kermit the Frog here with a Muppet news flash!  Of course this won't be news to any of you, but you have some pretty special second-year players in Portland.  Martell Webster and Jarrett Jack are sizable, skilled, and dedicated.  That combination is rare.  Neither one is apt to play too much outside of themselves, neither one will mistake you out of too many games, both depend on regular skills instead of sporadic athleticism, and both have shown reservoirs of untapped talent that you're going to enjoy watching them uncover.  You have to give them a break because, if you'll pardon the expression, it's not easy being green, but trust me, they're going to find that Rainbow Connection sooner rather than later.  And hey, they're wonderful people to boot--the kind of people you'd be proud to have in your neighborhood--so even if they don't produce immediately they're going to be a lot of fun to root for.  Don't believe a word Engelbert Humperdinck said.  He's just sore because we passed him over for the Mupppet Show in favor of Liberace.

Did someone say Liberace?  Your uniforms are still the most fabulous in the whole NBA. Just striking!

Wait, wait, wait!  The Muppets are not done yet!  I don't want you to get better!  You're too much fun to count as it is!

One!  One Darius Miles turnover!
Two!  Two Darius Miles turnovers!
Three!  Three Darius Miles turnovers!!!  Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

See?  Just wait until we start counting Zach Randolph's dollars per defensive rebound ratio!

Kurt Angle

Counting?  Counting?!?!  Count on this: Integrity, Intensity, Intelligence...you've improved in all three.  It's true, it's true!

Pvt. Benjamin Buford 'Bubba' Blue (Forrest's best friend)

Look here.  This year's team is a lot more a' whatcha call versatile.  There are six hundred ways they can score.  Brandon with the layup...Sergio with the layup...Darius with the layup...Darius with the jump shot...Martell with the jump shot...Jack with the jump shot...Raef with the jump shot...Zach with the turn-around...Jamaal with the turn-around...Jamaal with the dunk...Joel with the dunk......

Morgan Freeman circa 1974

Alright, alright, easy now.  Look, I'm not here to sell you a bill of goods.  The road ahead is going to be long and it's going to be hard.  It's going to take more commitment than you ever dreamed.  But you've got some fellows on this team that are going to play hard and play right.  Joel Przybilla, Brandon Roy, Jarrett Jack, Martell Webster, Lamarcus Aldridge, that's the roll call you're going to be teaching to your children, and your children's children.  Everybody starts from somewhere, but where you end up...well, that's up to you.  Who'd have guessed I'd grow from that funky guy on Electric Company to an Oscar-winning performer?  It can happen.  You've just got to believe.

G4TV Host Morgan Webb

I got nothin' on the Blazers, but I just wanted to say you are one witty and fine-looking blogger.  Really.  You are.

Tubby the Wonder Cat

I've been hiding under here since 2001 `cuz de Blazers has been scawy awful.  Buts this year I'm gonna jump out and surpwise some peoples.  And so is they.  Dat's all I gotta say.

Hmmm...I couldn't have said it better myself.

--Dave (blazersub@yahoo.com)

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